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Tom Hollander’s hilarious ‘life in the day’ column that details peeing in the dark and masturbating resurfaces in the wake of Gregg Wallace’s widely-mocked Saturday schedule

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Tom Hollander‘s epic ‘A life in the day’ column has gone viral after resurfacing in the wake of Gregg Wallace’s widely-mocked Saturday schedule.

The British actor, 56, detailed his daily routine for The Sunday Times‘ weekly column in 2020 and left readers in hysterics as he detailed peeing in the dark, taking sleeping pills and masturbating.

After Gregg, 59, gave fans an insight into his own schedule, which included taking part in a ‘no sweat’ workout and spending hours playing historical war video games, readers were quick to dredge up Tom’s version. 

One X, formerly Twitter, user was quick to share: ‘If you feel the need to decompress after reading the Day in the Life of Gregg Wallace, may I remind you of this masterpiece by Tom Hollander. Entertaining for completely opposite reasons.’ 

Tom’s column began by stating: ‘I wake up generally at 3 or 4am. Not because I’m like Margaret Thatcher, but because I need to pee.’ 

Tom Hollander 's epic 'A life in the day' column from 2020 in which he detailed peeing in the dark, taking sleeping pills and masturbating has gone viral

Tom Hollander ‘s epic ‘A life in the day’ column from 2020 in which he detailed peeing in the dark, taking sleeping pills and masturbating has gone viral 

After Gregg Wallace gave an insight into his schedule, which included a 'no sweat' workout and spending hours playing video games, readers were quick to dredge up Tom's version

After Gregg Wallace gave an insight into his schedule, which included a ‘no sweat’ workout and spending hours playing video games, readers were quick to dredge up Tom’s version

He continued: ‘I pee in the darkness using my phone screen to illuminate the target, then often take half a sleeping pill (antihistamine), turn on the World Service very quietly and try to go to sleep.’ 

After discussing holding his girlfriend in different positions, or the pillow if she is absent, he examined his bald patch, weighs himself and pulls his stomach in.

And if that wasn’t enough of an insight, he penned: ‘The afternoon is time for hobbies and extracurricular activities. 

‘If it’s sunny I might go for a cycle ride down the canal, if it’s raining I might masturbate and doze, or speculate on the extraordinary injustice of Philip Green’s knighthood, or look at that app that tells you which celebrity you most resemble (Tom Hardy). 

‘Sometimes I read long-form articles about the collapse of western society and the destruction of the planet.’

As the hilarious column went viral on X, users were quick to share: ‘Read that as if he was still in character from the Thick of It’; ‘The repetition of the ‘holding each other in different shapes’ made me cry. I have no idea why….’;

‘I knew he was nice, just not this nice’; ‘A whole novel in one page. Brilliant, brilliant writing’; ‘So good. I feel better now… thank you!’; ‘Tom Hollander, a legendary ‘day in the life of,’ to cheer us up from the insufferable Gregg Wallace…

‘Bet old Gregg Wallace wishes he’d read Tom Hollander’s Day in the Life before he rashly dashed off and submitted his own one for publication’; ‘Tom Hollander gets the joke. Gregg Wallace certainly does not’; ‘yeah the Gregg Wallace day in the life is good but Tom Hollander remains undefeated.’ 

One X user shared: 'If you feel the need to decompress after reading the Day in the Life of Gregg Wallace, may I remind you of this masterpiece by Tom Hollander'

One X user shared: ‘If you feel the need to decompress after reading the Day in the Life of Gregg Wallace, may I remind you of this masterpiece by Tom Hollander’

It comes after Gregg left fans baffled after lifting the lid on his usual weekend antics for The Telegraph s My Saturday column, explaining how he fills his day

It comes after Gregg left fans baffled after lifting the lid on his usual weekend antics for The Telegraph s My Saturday column, explaining how he fills his day

It comes after Gregg left fans baffled after lifting the lid on his usual weekend antics for The Telegraph‘s My Saturday column, explaining how he fills his day between his early wakeup and 8pm bedtime. 

Revealing he doesn’t indulge in a weekend lie-in, Gregg kicks off his day at 5am, reading for an hour – currently A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles – before making himself a cup of coffee and checking the sign-up numbers for his health programme.

There’s no more time to rest, however, as he has to stick to his five day a week workout regime, revealing he has persuaded staff to open the gym half an hour early for him every weekend so he can enjoy a private swim and sauna. 

Once members of the public start arriving (at the correct time) Gregg makes a beeline for the treadmills where he works towards his 50,000 steps a week goal but insists there’s ‘no sweating.’ 

He noted: ‘I’m now 12 stone [having lost five stone] and I have less than 18 per cent body fat and a six-pack, but I have a belly that bloats. I guess we all have our imperfections.’

Having worked up an appetite, but not a sweat, next on the to-do list is breakfast, with Gregg meeting his PA at the local Harvester for breakfast – which consists of bacon, sausage and fried egg. 

While he admitted people are often surprised to see him in the budget chain restaurant, he has ‘never been disappointed’ by the food, and is particularly fond of the grilled chicken and salad bar. 

In contrast, he noted he has been let down by the food on offer at several three-star Michelin restaurants around Europe. 

During breakfast, talk turns to business with his PA as they juggle his MasterChef filming, well-being business and new health and well-being podcast, A Piece of Cake.

Speaking about his new healthy living podcast, Gregg mused: ‘I love chatting to the experts, but I’m quite the expert too, having been journalling, manifesting, goal-setting and reading self-help books for years.’

Seemingly blessed with a high metabolism, lunch comes just an hour and a half after his fry up, with Gregg’s wife Anna, 38, ensuring food is on the table when he arrives home at midday.  

In his column, Gregg revealed he has persuaded staff to open the gym half an hour early for him every weekend so he can enjoy a private swim and sauna before a 'no sweat' workout

In his column, Gregg revealed he has persuaded staff to open the gym half an hour early for him every weekend so he can enjoy a private swim and sauna before a ‘no sweat’ workout 

Having worked up an appetite, but not a sweat, next on the to-do list is breakfast, with Gregg meeting his PA at the local Harvester for breakfast ¿ bacon, sausage and fried egg

Having worked up an appetite, but not a sweat, next on the to-do list is breakfast, with Gregg meeting his PA at the local Harvester for breakfast – bacon, sausage and fried egg

Seemingly blessed with a high metabolism, lunch comes just an hour and a half after his fry up, with Gregg's wife Anna, 38, ensuring lunch is on the table when he arrives home at midday

Seemingly blessed with a high metabolism, lunch comes just an hour and a half after his fry up, with Gregg’s wife Anna, 38, ensuring lunch is on the table when he arrives home at midday

After lunch comes quality time with his four-year-old son, Sid, who¿s non-verbal autistic but has 'started to seek company and show eye contact'

After lunch comes quality time with his four-year-old son, Sid, who’s non-verbal autistic but has ‘started to seek company and show eye contact’

After lunch comes quality time with his four-year-old son, Sid, who’s non-verbal autistic but has ‘started to seek company and show eye contact.’ 

Speaking candidly about his relationship with his youngest child, Gregg – who has two adult children Tom, 29, and Libby, 26, with his ex-wife Denise – shared: ‘I’m a much better father now I’m older, although another child isn’t something that I would have chosen at my age. 

‘I was always very honest with Anna, but it’s what she wanted and I love her. I just requested two things – that we had help in the house (so her mum moved in), and secondly that we had at least one week a year when we holidayed just the two of us.’

After an hour and a half of quality time with Sid, Gregg then indulges in two hours of me-time. 

As an ‘amateur historian’ and video game fan, he likes to lock himself away in his home office at 3pm playing Total War Saga: Thrones of Britannia, set in 878 AD. 

After leading the Norsemen, Saxons, and Gaels to victory he then sets about preparing dinner for his family. 

The restaurateur and former greengrocer revealed Anna takes on the main kitchen duties as he cooks for his family just once a week, typically a grilled fish dish from the fishmonger. 

He’s also partial to making his own ‘healthy’ cheeseburgers, as takeaways are banned after his health overhaul. 

Alcohol is also restricted, with Gregg drinking twice a week, typically starting off with a pint, then a wine, then a whisky or brandy, but ensures he doesn’t ‘drink excessively any more.’ 

After his long day comes an early bed time of 8pm, where he and Anna will either read or watch a film on his laptop because Gregg ‘tried sitting on the sofa eating biscuits’ but didn’t find it ‘fulfilling’. 

Sleep typically comes by 9pm. 

Gregg's Saturday regime quickly began trending on X, with baffled fans claiming he was like Steve Coogan's comedy character, Alan Partridge

Gregg’s Saturday regime quickly began trending on X, with baffled fans claiming he was like Steve Coogan’s comedy character, Alan Partridge

Gregg is kept busy juggling MasterChef filming, well-being business and new health and well-being podcast, A Piece of Cake (pictured with MasterChef co-judge John Torode)

Gregg is kept busy juggling MasterChef filming, well-being business and new health and well-being podcast, A Piece of Cake (pictured with MasterChef co-judge John Torode) 

Gregg’s Saturday regime quickly began trending on X, with baffled fans claiming he was like Steve Coogan’s comedy character, Alan Partridge. 

They penned: ‘Catching up on Gregg Wallace’s magnificently Partridgian My Saturday.’; ‘Gregg Wallace here with an article that would easily place him in the top division of LinkedIn’s most ridiculously egotistical contributors’;

‘I met Gregg Wallace once – I hasn’t to bump into him not once but twice within an hour in Manchester city centre and from our fleeting interaction I’m not entirely surprised by his Partridge-esque interview.’;

‘This is my favourite bit… amateur historian  #GreggWallace’; ‘Ok, who is opening up their Fitness First early to let in Gregg Wallace?’; ‘How do we break it to Gregg Wallace that this isn’t actually what historians do?’;

‘“At 8pm it’s biscuits – and CHEESE” Gregg Wallace and Gromit’; ‘Gregg Wallace. This has to be parody, surely?’; ‘Can’t stop reading the Gregg Wallace thing. What a journey, every word is absolutely incredible.’;

‘Imagine being that person at the gym who has to get there half an hour early so Gregg Wallace can have a solitary swim, or his PA that has to go to Harvester every Saturday morning and watch him eat his bacon and eggs’; 

‘Gregg Wallace: I wake up at the same time every morning. I’ll read for an hour – right now it’s A Gentleman In Moscow by Amor Towles – then I’ll make myself a coffee and check emails. Blur: PARK LIFE’;

‘Gregg Wallace tells the world his child was unplanned and spends more time playing computer games (two hours) than spending time with his autistic son (hour and a half). If I commented with my feelings on this, Twitter would ban me.’ 

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