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Advice | Carolyn Hax: Brother Says He Doesn’t Love His Fiance. Will you tell her?

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: My brother confessed to me that he doesn’t really love his fiancée or find her physically attractive. Then he told me that he really just wants to work it out with her because she’s a nice person and would be a great mom. This isn’t the first time he’s told me this in their five years together.

I really love his fiancée and think she deserves better than this, and I told him so. But I can’t say anything, can I? I just need to keep my trap closed and then be a safe place for their kids when they get divorced, right?

Hatch: Well, wait – you can tell him he deserves better too.

And you can say he’s a complete short-sighted jerk, and husbands aren’t just breeding stock – unless he doesn’t really mean what he says and just works through some dark thoughts out loud, in which case you’ll be glad to listen.

You’d just want to know ahead of time whether he’s really secretly beaten down and fearing the implications of so much caring and loving — or actively, knowingly, presumptuously and unnecessarily chooses a life of mediocrity for himself and his ignorant bride. So, you know, you can estimate your reaction to him accordingly.

Of course, she’s as equipped as anyone to catch the smell of meh in the air, so she’s not without responsibility, but still.

I hope everyone he confides in says this firmly to him, one time, on behalf of the betrothed, his and any future children.

When you’re ready, yes – you shut up and are there to help.

Caroline: I told my brother that he deserves better too. He thinks it’s the best he can do and that it’s better to just settle down rather than keep the hope of the impossible alive. Or be lonely. For what it’s worth, our parents weren’t a good example of anything, and I went through years of therapy before I felt ready for a relationship.

Bang again: “The best he can do” is a human, for God’s sake. His selfishness is breathtaking.

Good on you for seeking help and climbing out of the hole your parents dug for you. You’ve been trying to help here, you’ve said your piece, so I guess the couple should sort this out. And maybe they will – not that it makes it any easier to watch.

Dear Carolyn: I met a man four months ago. We clicked amazingly well and we had a really fun, intense three months of ‘all-in’.

Now he withdraws “to think about his life, his goals, next steps, etc.” And what ‘love’ actually means.

He’s 65! Maybe it’s a late midlife crisis?

I really fell for this man. How do I know if “he’s just not into me” or if this is a healthy step back after which he will be ready for love? If I hang out at a distance while he works things out, is that patient and supportive, or is it a doormat?

doormat?: Go live your life as if it’s not in it anymore, because it’s not in it anymore. Accept it.

If he were to show up at your doorstep after his reflection period to be welcomed again, then you can decide whether you want to yes, based on how you and your circumstances and your feelings have (or not) changed. say.

Everything else at this point is just speculation and wheelspin. My apologies.

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