I love my girlfriend but have better sex with another woman

Dear Jane,

I’ve had an occasional girlfriend for a little over two years. I love her very much, and she is beautiful. We get along and have a really great relationship, but we’re missing a spark – more I think – and we rarely have sex.

For me, that’s the only thing I want to fix and we’ve tried to work on it. Whenever I try to talk to her about things I wish she would take it as a personal attack, which it isn’t. I’m just trying to tell her what I want.

Unfortunately, I don’t know exactly what I want, and I think part of the sexual energy is the attraction of not knowing, of what might happen.

She grew up in a very conservative family and didn’t sleep with many people; I believe I have much more experience and maybe I like ‘experience’ more in a lover.

Once when we broke up for a few months, I met someone else. We had great sexual chemistry and generally got along, but not nearly as well as my girlfriend is now.

I recently got a promotion and have to leave the state. My girlfriend changed her mind and decided she wouldn’t come with me because we’re not married. I’d love to propose but can’t do it without finding our sexual chemistry.

On the other hand, the ‘ex’ has reached out and wants to give it another try and I’m open to that.

In a perfect world I wish I could combine the two women and that would be perfect. I suppose it’s a good problem to have and I’m very lucky but it’s torture because I don’t want to lose my girlfriend but I can’t keep her to myself if we don’t have sex.

What advice do you have for me please? Any ideas?

Van, Wanting the best of both worlds

Dear who wants the best of both worlds,

You can’t have it I’m afraid.

While I don’t think great sex is a must for a marriage, you both need to be on the same wavelength, especially in the beginning. Our needs and wants change during marriage, especially for menopausal women, but knowing that you have different wants and needs while you’re still dating, and being unhappy because you rarely have sex, is a terrible foundation for marriage.

I don’t think any of these women are right for you, and I would take a moment to think about why you feel the need to commit at this particular time.

You have a lot to do, with changing jobs and moving to another state, where your focus and energy needs to be.

I would also be extremely wary of any kind of ultimatum; the fact that your girlfriend won’t go with you unless you propose seems like the worst kind of ultimatum. If and when you propose to someone, it must be because you’ve found a partner that you don’t meet on every level, but definitely on the levels that are important to you, which obviously includes sex.

Whether your girlfriend has a low sex drive or it’s the specific dynamic with you, trust me what I’m about to say: it’s not going to change.

As for the ex, she must remain an ex. Great sex with the wrong person is just that: great sex with the wrong person. And the wrong person will never miraculously become the right woman.

Take the time to enjoy being single and find out exactly what you like when it comes to sex. Feel comfortable with that, and feel comfortable sharing those needs and wants with whoever you’re having sex with.

I’d put all serious relationships on the back burner, at least until you’re settled, and honestly until you’ve sown a few more oats and are more comfortable with who you are in the bedroom.

Dear Jane,

I think my husband is an alcoholic. We have been married for four years and have always enjoyed a drink together… we both like to go for a cocktail now and then and relax in the evening with a bottle of wine or a martini but lately I’ve noticed that he is drinking more than double what he was six months ago.

I’ve always been used to him being in control on a night out, but over the past few months he’s been getting sloppy and it’s become a little embarrassing to be honest. My husband works from home – and often when I come home after a day at the office, he’s already finished a bottle of wine.

I don’t want to turn a molehill into a mountain, but I’m really starting to get worried and I’m just not sure how to tell him that without sounding like I’m causing a scene for no reason. Even now that I’m worried, I sound completely crazy and hysterical… Can you help?

Van, shaken and stirred

Dear Shaken and Stirred,

First, according to a new study released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in conjunction with the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), nine out of 10 adults who drink too much alcohol are not alcoholics.

In fact, the only person who can actually decide whether or not he is an alcoholic is the one who drinks too much.

And part of the problem with those we like to do too much of what’s not good for them isn’t so much about how they behave, but how it affects us, the people who wish they would stop. The fact that you’re writing, that you’re afraid you’re crazy and hysterical, makes me think that something needs to be done.

Of course it’s good to bring it up with him first, calmly and when he’s not drinking. But while we’d like to think that if they loved us and saw how much they hurt us, they’d stop, that’s not the case with addicts and alcoholics.

If they could stop they would, but they are in the grip of something beyond their control. Morning promises to quit will vanish by cocktail hour, leaving partners furious and hurt, convinced that if only the drinking stopped, everything would be fine.

This sounds counterintuitive, but the very best advice I can give you is to take the focus off his drinking and put the focus on your own happiness by taking yourself to an Al-Anon meeting.

Al-Anon is ostensibly for friends and family of alcoholics, but in reality it is for anyone who is disproportionately influenced by someone else’s behavior.

You will find the room filled with people who have learned to live and let live, who recognize that they are powerless over people, places and things, who realize that the only person they can control is themselves. One of the hardest lessons is detachment, the realization that we all have our own path and it doesn’t matter how much you flatter, beg, threaten or yell. If he’s an alcoholic, he won’t be able to stop drinking on his own.

He also probably won’t get into a 12-step program until he’s ready, and unfortunately that often comes when things hit rock bottom.

No matter how your marriage turns out, you probably already know that keeping an eye on his drinking, counting the wine bottles in the trash, feeling your whole body tense as he gets sloppier and sloppier, is no way to live. Al-Anon will not only give you support and immense wisdom, but also tools and traditions with which to find peace whether he continues to drink or not.

I’m sending you a huge hug.